Let's make it a happy half term, people!

I'm a big, big fan of Netmums. Naturally, I'm backing them all the way in their campaign for a Real Parenting Revolution.

In honour of this worthwhile concept - and because the half term holiday's coming up, plunging me into my usual mix of happy anticipation and abject fear - may I present...

The Real Parents' Guide to Getting Through Half Term

1. Relax any screen-time guidelines you’re usually a stickler for. Everyone knows that two-hours-a-day is simply not do-able on a day that doesn’t involve at least six hours spent at school.
Disclaimer: To be on the safe side, insist upon switch-off once your child has started squinting.
2. Any usual rules about getting washed or dressed in the morning can also be dispensed with. Ancient Real Parent proverb: A child who wears their pyjamas all day is a lot easier to get to bed that night.
3. Let them eat cake. Give them supermarket pizza. Don’t feel guilty about it.
4. If you're planning to get out and about during the week, avoid the following locations: theme parks; free museums; multiplexes; shopping malls; fast food outlets; the local swimming pool; Ikea. The world and their kids will be there already. Stick with: your garden.
5. Get friends in. Their friends. Your friends. Both if possible.
Disclaimer: Bear in mind that scientists have proven the following mess/child ratio theorem: 2 x children= four times the mess; 3 x children = six times the mess; 4 x children = eight times the mess. Etc.
6. Steer clear of all those activities that sound like fun but inevitably end prematurely/in tears/amidst far more mess than they were worth. These include: baking; overly-ambitious craft projects, putting on a ‘show’; building a den under the dining room table; anything billed as a ‘science experiment’.
7. Relieve boredom and make inroads into your own to-do list at the same time by paying children to carry out essential domestic tasks. This is not bribery, it is a positive reward scheme and a chance for them to learn that, in this life, work=income.
Disclaimer: Suitable tasks for children include polishing furniture; small pet care; pairing and balling socks. Unsuitable tasks include putting petrol in the car; filling in your tax return; calling your mother-in-law to apologise on your behalf for the last row you had.
8. Be philosophical. De-mobbed children + home all day for five days = certain chaos. Try to embrace it, rather than fight it. If all else fails, sit in a darkened room wearing loose clothing and repeat this mantra: at least it’s not the summer holidays yet…. at least it’s not the summer holidays yet…
9. Finally. And above all. Remember this: during half term, wine o’clock always comes early. Sometimes by several hours.